“Sometimes my friend says she understands what abusive relationships are like because she gets upset when her boyfriend doesn't text or call her back. I know she is trying to relate, but I end up feeling more lonely than ever.” Rachel
If you have been in a romantic relationship that involved threat, physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse and controlling behaviors, you may have had an experience like Rachel. Well-meaning friends try to offer support but their statements can hurt. It’s exhausting to try to explain what it is like to be in a relationship characterized by control, threat, or abuse.
It is common to believe that unless someone has been there, they just can’t get it. Sometimes people just don’t believe you. Your ex-partner may be a charismatic person, even quite popular. Peers and family members likely do not see the controlling and abusive dynamics, instead commenting on how “lucky” you are to be with someone so dynamic.
People might ask you why you didn’t just leave. But you know that being caught in the cycle of control, anger, and apology makes it challenging to recognize and extract yourself from the situation. Your partner may use hurtful and intimidating words but then express remorse and ask for forgiveness. And it might not be easy to identify patterns of control or abuse because these dynamics often start subtly and get worse over time. However, intimate partner abuse, whether it is emotional, physical, or sexual, alway involves an imbalance of power and control.
You may not even be sure your intimate relationship was (or is) abusive. Ask yourself these questions. If you answer yes to some of these, you may want to explore the dynamics in your relationship.
Is your partner jealous or possessive?
Does your partner put you down or call you names?
Does your partner discourage you from seeing family and friends?
Does your partner try to control what you wear, where you go, or how you spend money?
Does your partner constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
Does your partner threaten you, push or shove you, or use his/her body in a threatening way toward you?
Does your partner blame you for his/her violent behavior or tell you that you deserve it?
Does your partner hit, kick, choke or otherwise hurt you?
Does your partner force you to have sex against your will?
Group counseling can be a helpful type of therapy because you can share your experiences with others who’ve been in a similar place. Though processing your experiences in this way, you empower yourself and the others in the group, develop coping skills, and articulate a safe way to move forward in new relationships.
If you are interested in learning more about a new group that is forming for young women who are healing from controlling or abusive relationships, click on Services, and then on Group Therapy. Or click Contact and send me a message!